*

the mad hatter

2012-01-28T05:29:00.000-08:00

Whenever i've not been writing in my blog for some time, i have moments during the day when tens of thoughts pop up as if saying: we are worth a blog post!. Then I get angry an defeat myself with a "stop being so superficial and think that you're some god send gift with continuous insights to share." That's how i put myself down and i don't feel the need to write for days after that. But for some reason the curious things in my life want to be shared with some unknown user behind a screen. Like a presence in a dream watching you, coldly, not knowing if it is bad or well-intentioned, but you just feel it, trying to talk to you in a language you don't understand, like the sounds of a high-pitched television set vibrating in your ears.

Curious: I found a stone that i had gathered from my seaside experience in september, back in the my old apartment after just arranging some clothes. I had looked for it, because i wanted to carry it with me as a reminder of how we are surrounded by soo much love without even knowing, and while folding clothes (an activity that always makes me feel so motherly) it was just standing in the middle of the carpet, looking at me.

Curious:I sit kneeling in front of my parents, before leaving Romania a second time, as if asking for permission to go after my own life, they cry because they want me happy, I cry because I want them happy.

Curious: I make a regular practice for crying now, there is daily something to cry about. Sometime I cry alone, sometimes at a concert or a video, sometimes while looking at wounded crooked people, who look as if their spine wanted to get distanced from the heart, in a try to feel less of it's pain. And sometimes i cry in awe and gratitude.

Curious: In one of my dreams, i'm back in my childhood with shadowy figures of my imagination and while meeting them, they tell me how evil they are, and i'm looking at them with big eyes: what else are you? They show me how my grandma, my sister, my dad are evil too, they dress up with my old green winter jacket, just so that i could maybe get the hint of my own ugliness, but i don't, i sit there starring non-judgmentally and that seems to piss the hell out of them, because they can't have power over me this way. But they can surely have power of others they tell me...A man in the apartment beneath us starts yelling as if woken up in a swamp full of snakes, a woman cries for the help of neighbors through the wall: Please call the police! It's 6 o'clock in the morning and i wake up.

This bizarre world inside-out, has black and white tiles with small weird looking creatures swirling on them, just like in Alice in wonderland.Oh how i love thee subconscious:) or is it the super ego?

The real show

2012-01-18T05:21:00.000-08:00

In my search of meaning behind this painful year that has past, I've learned that the only way to convert it's suffering is to believe in the path that took me here. Looking back in any other way, i waste the effort and the heavy sacrifices that have been done for me to learn this. I do hope we can find each other one day, in that stream of souls, having healed the wound that we now share, having become the fullest we could have become.

This is dedicated to you.

The Real Show

The sun was coming through the large window, into the room. A summery smell was coming in from the nearby cherry tree outside, mixed with the smell of a crispy omlett and hot tea.

Breakfast together

Jared and James weresharing their usual morning breakfast.

I for example,like Jesus, Jared said. I think he was quitemisunderstood, if i were to spend 30 years in the desert i think i would gocrazy too... . he went on eating hisomlette and staring outside the window for a while... I guess strong beliefalways borders on crazyness for some reason. But how else could you let othersinflict so much pain on you, if you didn’t know know for a fact that this isthe way things needed to be.

I think i like I like Job better, James said while sippingout of his cup of tea. He is more tangible in a way. Jesus was like the chosenone, he knew that everything was going to lead to a greater purpose. Job had to quarrel with all his insecurities.And just like Jesus the more shit kept happening, the more he believed thatthis was the right way. I guess I admire that even more because Job’s faith wasa matter of own choice and he himself had to keep believing in that greatersettelment of things.

Do you think he could have made it without that?

I don’t know, and we will probably never know how faith works.And even if we will, realknowledge of it, is not a matter of words and other concepts.It’s always atthat boarder of absolute truth and uncertain unexplainability.

Jared, stood still for a while, trying to digest the foodand James’s last words.Than his eyes changed. They opened up, the face strokeone instant of fear,his eyebrows rose above the nose as if trying to meet in absolute vulnerability. With large andalmost watery eyes, he said: I guessthat is why I love you god damn it: you can be the most practical person in theworld and then when it is needed you can utter the deepest wisdom and still make it seem so easy. How thehell do you do it James?

Jared & James

Jared was an accoutant. His whole life was dealing withfigures and stats. He liked it. It was a safe stable job he thought, like adream come true. He loved wearing suit vests and tidy polished shoes. He was aman’s man and couldn’t be made happier but when people would call him „SorrySir”when accidentaly bumping into him, on the street. His days were pretty muchthe same: wake up and shower, have breakfast in the morning with James, comeback home and enter his little private room to read. In this particular room, the little armchiar was the central piece of his sacred space. Jared wouldstart by diving into this longed silence by reading maybe a newspaper, or ashort article. But soon he would drift into the own stories of his mind. Thenhe would take pieces of paper and scribble them down. Sometimes throughout theday, while looking out ond the street, or even when dealing with figures, hewould suddenly stop, take his notebook out and write down the most ingeniuosidea for a story. He secretly aspired to be the writer of a great play someday.It needed to be one of those plays that would end up making thousands of peoplecry because of the truth that got reflected back to them about their lives. Itwould make them realize a glimpse of their deepest authentic nature and hehimself would never be the same.

James was a puppetier for a small children’s theater intown. He loved his work. Simple but meaninful he though. Once he would hold apuppet in his warm hands, it was like something inside would change. His sensessharpend and as if the character could talk to him, he listened for the voicethat was best suited for it. While walking down the street he would sometimessee charcters of his stories, or imagine what voice a person must have. Heloved sitting in buses or trains and just bathe in voices: thin giggles ofgirls or sober tones of men talking about the current stand in politics. Hisfavorite play was the „The stone that was always content” by Marie-Louise Vert.He had played it just once for a small group of children and then decided thatthe fullfillment of that experience was enough to never have to play it again.

The Show

Since they had started dating, the two of them would reservetheir weekends to visit all sorts of events and shows. Sometimes a artexhibition, sometimes a flaut concert, but even more frequent they would attendsome curious acts run by even more curious people. Anything that had the wordShow in it, was a must go for them, especially for Jared eager for storymaterial. Particulary this Sunday, they had both seen the posters for an actentitled „The Real Show”. Normally a name that plain would be a turn off forboth, but roumor had it that this show in particular had a huge record of dropouts and an even greater group of activists working on stopping it ever beingperformed again. So who could miss out on a show like that?

Excited the two got in early and found their seets booked inadvance. Soon the lights grew dimmer and the curtain opened. A woman dressed ina red leader outfit, high heeled boots included appeared next to several fishbowls randomly displaid on stage. Basically the show consited of two parts. Onewhere this woman was using her whip to determine an incredible amount of fishto jump from one bowl to the other. The whole trajectory of bowls that seemedrandom at first, turned out to be a whole maze of just fishbowls spreadthroughout, with one empty extremly spacious one waiting at the end. The firstpart seems painful all around as fish was flying everywhere. Some made it toanother bowl, some landed on the ground tweeking, some coudn’t jump at allbeing pushed by the heaviness of others. All in all they seemed trained as asuprizing number did get three some even four right jumps following the path ofthe preestablished bowls. With seven bowls to reach, some fish had reached upto number four, there were a few even in number five and one absolutleyoutstading one that was now swirrling alone in bowl number six.

The second part was maybe four times longer than the first.But not neccesarily considering the happenings but just the amount of time designatedto it. The plot of it was pretty simple: keeping the whole first partcharacters and setting, the same woman showed up in a white nightgown. The centralpiece was now a big table and a chair while the bowls and the fish remained in thebackground. The woman picks up one ofthe fish, brings it to the table, grabs an axe and chopes it’s head up with one, single hand movement. After sittingdown,she uts it up open, cleanes theinsides and fries it on the cooker, seemlessly integrated into the solestanding table. This procedure is done with utter dilligence for the following27 fish either laying around or in the bowls. From time to time she approachesthe audience serving them pieces of her freshly prepared cusine. After grabbingthe last fish of bowl number six and with a bloodshut nightgown she comes frontstage.

The curtain falls.(...)

What the fuck was this? Some crazy old atheist bastard of adirector thinks this is suppossed to mirror anything close to reality, Jaredsaid outraged.

I’m suprized why we stayed until the end, us and the other 3people, James said jokingly.

Because we wanted to get these people’s information, so wecan sue them, that’s why! Jared said.

You and I both know,that we are not the first and not the last to attempt and fail in suchendeavor. Let’s go home, Jarod!

Don’t let’s go home me, this is serious business. This isn’tjust another creep show, James. This is extreme fucking nihilistic bullshit,that’s what it is.

Don’t get so caught up in the details of it, thousands offish are killed every day, some of which we ourselves are eating. That is justhuman nature, whether we want to accept it or not.

And if I don’t want to accept it? What then? What if I don’twanna comply? What if I’m tired of just jumping from one bowl to the other, areyou gonna cut my head off?

You’re taking this way to far. I’m not the enemy here, ok?

You’re not, than who is? The state, the government, thesystem, our neighbors, our parents, the bad spirits, the devil, ourselves? Whothe fuck is? Who has created this chaos of a shit world that can produce a playof this attrocity?

I guess the mending question would not be who, but how did someone feel the need to create this chaos and what can we do to fix it rightnow?

You and your mature solution oriented crap, i’m tired of it.Let’s go home!

Parting

I was waiting for you, James said. I brought you this: andhanded him a key. What is it for? Jared asked as he layed off his jaket and hisbriefcase. It is for this room, to locke it! Wow...i didn’t even know that myroom had a key. I’ve always secretly wanted one. Well it does and it is your’sto use, in keeping others away, me included...because I’m leaving. James saidthis in a serious and unfamiliar voice. It was trembely but still melodious. Itlacked firmness but the determination in his eyes was compensating instead. Silence.

Jared, I din’t care if you were a woman, a male or a fishbefore meeting me. I cared about who you were now and I thought that livingyour crazy life was good enough for me. It just so seems that it is not enoughfor you. Man and woman in one, yet you cannot be enough to yourself. How can Ifit any missing pieces here? Moresilence.

I don’t know whattruth you are looking to find, from your drentched inner voice , scribbelingmemories into a book that will never see the face of light. You want the truth.Here it is: You lock yourself from theoutside world, living in this room, a big cousy bubble. They’ve hurt you andall the pain is still streaming out in gushes. I see your face sometimes in themornings nostalgic and suffering, loninging... for what? For more suffering,that is what you want. You’re not afraid of it. You surround yourself with it,crave it to justify more of what you find inside. You are living in fear, butnot in fear of sufferining, in fear of love. What if someone could love you,what if you might love yourself? It does sound like a nightmare. To preventthat your regular act is to put an expiry date to everything around you. Whenwe first met you already saw us crashing: two gay’s in love, how could thatever work in this narrow minded country. May it burst into flames, i woun’t reallyinvested in it anyway. You don’t care about us, good. But decide what is itthat you care about. Yes it is adecision, no higher power or anything else will tell you whether it is good orbad. And how will you know if it’s right? You will never, I repeat never, knowfor sure. You will only sometimes feel as if deep inside you’ve known it allalong. The rest is guesswork.

As spectator to yourown life you get deprived of the only few things you have a say in. It makes meangry to see you throw this right away: it is called responsability. I cannotsave you, although sometimes it felt the urge to. I don’t even know if I can savemyself at this point. Maybe you’ve been predestined to feel utterly alone againand find others through more of just yourself. And maybe I was supposed to feelrejected again,so as to find communion and belongingness in it. But thisconversion in meanig, will be again our choice to make.

Yes it’s a small chance and yes its a painful decision.Responsability sometimes is, life is not just another show we play a part inJared.There are no third person narrators and no coherent plots and we are farfrom being directors of it. We are at best maybe translators of it at points,obsessing about every delicate word expressed rightley, when in fact polesapart are the words others are sensitive about. And you my friend have definedeverything in the language of rejection and life is greater than that.

Closure

He closed the door behind him. Jared sank down on his chairliveless.He stared for a while just into nothingness like when a bomb hits andyou just sit and let eveything happen. He started looking around, for objects,things to hang on, anything that could give a deeper meaning to this. Books,newspapers, magazines, scribbles and his pen. His pen, writing, it all feltfake now. If only he could right about how he felt, now. Almost mistrustful hegrabed his notebook and lifted the pen poiting it.

„I feel all alone. Silenceis everywhere, just like the emptiness inside me. Now I am...”. Such fuckingstupid crap and nostalgic adolescent bullshit, he thought. He put the pen down.In theory this was the point he needed to cry at. But his real feelings feltlike under a cap of deep arctic ice. He heard movement and tweeks underneath,but that was all.

His eyes fell on the table again, and right next to the pen,he saw now, as if for the first time, the key he had recieved from James. Itwas sitting there in a shiny armour, quietly waiting, with a big round hookaround it, to avoid it ever being lost. He grabbed it swiftly and startedlooking at it, while resting in both of his hands. Curious, it looks likesomething familiar, is it it’s texture, or maybe the shape. He focused in on itand the more he got into detail the more he zoomed out until the key, hishands, the shiny reflection all became blurry. I know, it looks like a squid,or some sort of a creature, no wait ...and his eyes recognizing a cyclops-likefigure, with one big eye staring back, with no hands to defend but with one large foot, more like a tail to crawl it’s way through . It had locked his eyes on ithypnotically, nausiating, suffocating. Jared stood up and headed towards thewindow instantaniously. He opened it with a large gesture and took a deepbreath of wintery air. The cherry tree was now frozen and mute. Only a couple of timid snowflakes were disturbing his still imposing presence, spirilingaround the branches while moving further with the wind.

A chill made him shiver. He closed the window attentively.He looked at the key, whose hook he had wrapped around the index finger to beable to close the window easier. With a full circle he released the hook out ofthe cyclopse eye, although now it looked more like a tree. Yeah, like a treewith a full shaped crown, a delicate trunk and no roots at all. He lightly layedthe key and the hook separetley next to the pen on the table. They looked allso split and yet so compact.... His attention shifted on a strong smell he began to recognize inside. It was a familiar smell combinationof icy clarity and humid fog.What did this smell remind him of so sharply? It wasflooding his nostrils and every cell of his body recognized it. He closed hiseyes and let himself carried by the smell, the smell of fresh blossom, of James’swarm body squeezing him tight, the smell of that one spring morning whenholding his head on James chest he understood existance and non-existance in aninstant, they warped and melted making that present moment so deeply meaningful.Drop after drop, his awareness of it melted into an unexplicable trust, so grounding, thattoughts were reflecting off it. And nothing would last except that instance of now, and the following instance of now. It was love.

Drop after drop...trickeling down, like rain, or like heavy tearsrunning. James cried for hours unend, a cry of dispair and gushing guilt, untilhe fell asleep on his armchair.

This year

2011-12-31T07:53:00.000-08:00

Ok admitted, i haven't written in this blog for some time. Let's call the reason broadly....depression. Actually it hasn't all been bad: I've spent about two weeks at a meditation retreat after the bakery afair. Haven't felt that alone maybe ever... the meditation place got me back on track, and i realized that i've been slacking off to the purpose of why i've called out this chaos in my life. It's none of the childish games i've bee playing, it's hard work growing up and to stop accusing others for your being miserable. So in my stream of consciousness and unconsciousness this is what 2011 has been for me:

The break-up with Zach left a big Z sign on my soul just like the sign of my mom's operation after her first cancer operation, 3 days spend in the woods for my birthday trying to figure what the fuck is happening with my life, 3 crazy fulfilling and demanding camps at my grandma's-a dream come true, 3 weeks spent in the hospital where everything that i knew about my life collapsed, thank you lyme disease :)! one half an hour of an undescribable experience of stillness and overflowing gratitude for everything around me while separating beans at a meditation center, meeting Luminita a woman whom i've talked to for a couple of hours and has become my best friend that i can confide pretty much everything to, 4 days of just being at the seaside filling up with soo much acceptance, patience and wisdom from this big yet so known life form in front of me, flying my first time on a para-glider and then flying my way out of Romania, witnessing my sister real life birth maked my whole body tremble and bow in front of life once again, being a shaperdess, a baker and a butcher all in the another coutry made me feel my alien side again where home is just a stop on a bridge, there are no houses on bridges Mihaela! I love you even though it's still so hard to look in a mirror sometimes.

Pretty...comprising ...year, so for 2012 i guess all i can say is: bring it on *and if there is a gentler version to this life experience could i maybe get that one just a bit?

"Woods girl" - my first short story

2011-11-20T11:28:00.001-08:00

She took a right on the busy intersection, kept straight fora while and then right again. She had no idea where this street was.Triedlooking for some people that weren’t to deep in their own thoughts to ask fordirection. But she just couldn’t bring herself to take anyone out of therebubble, even though she was 20 minutes late. While turning back and taking aleft she almost felt confident that she had reached the right spot, only tofind the right entrance to the block, and that was it. A man had opened thedoor to the stairway in front of her, she kept the door open and got in. Iwonder how he looks like, I still can’t believe i’m doing this. It’s maybe oneof the crazyiest things i’ve done...in a while.... Is it door 14 or 16, ring! An older woman opened and lookedat her with big questioning eyes „ I’m looking for.. I assume he doesn’t live here...right...my mistake, sorry”. She turend and started going down the stairs. I’vehad it. This is a fucking sign from God that I am never to find or see thisman. I’ve let to many people tell me what to do with my life, let alone a clairvoyant ...fortune teller...man,how desperate am I?

She started walking fastly the short way of the road she hadcome, never had she been so decisive in her life that his was the right way todo. It was maybe 9.35 and she kept on walking when the phone rang, You didn’tgo, did you, the female friendly voice asked. No, waked around and couldn’tfind it and then thought maybe it was a sign that I wasn’t to met him at all.That’s too bad, it was an important meeting you’ve missed. I guess you’lldecide what to do, he’s still waiting. „I’ll figure it out,” she said and hungup .Something in „it was an important meeting” reminded her of a matter ofdistance she kept to things around her, sometimes not even being willing to tryout something good cause it would end at one point, and then she would just beleft with the dissapointment.” Herthoughts stopped for a while,nothingelse was coming up. Just that her foot turned sideways, did a U-turn as she startedwalking back.

You came, he said woods girl. Your friend told me about you going into the woods sometime tolook for answers. His face and posture was so different than anything she hadever imagined. He looked like a real human, unlike all the traits she hasprojected in her head about him. While climbing up the stairs she thought: „Ifhe has a sense of humour maybe we can get along.” And when the door opened andshe saw his warm eyes and his smile she imediatley felt... cousy?. „Honestly Ithought I wanted to end people telling me what to do with my life so, I saw menot finding the way was just the signthat I wasn’t to meet you at all”. He said:”Sometimes you have to make an effort,and not leave everything” up to signs. This sounded so true for how she wasgouverning her life, that she got silent. He looked at her and said: How didyou get lost over here, you’re gonna go through life a a fish through water. Whatis it that you want me to tell you? Thatyou’re shy and mysterious, but icredibly stubborn, that you could eradicatesomebody from the face of the earth if you so wanted. You honey are aparadox:doubtably decisive. You could walk all the way to Egypt barefoot andnot know why. He started laughing out loudley. She felt like he could seethrough her like trough a glass window and for the first time this thoughtdidn’t make her want to screem and kick out of fury, like a desperate deer caughtin a trap. She tried to smile, that’s true you know.

This is you, he said, connecting the thumb and the indexfinger of his left hand into a circle andthis is what other think of you and did the same gesture but with the right hand.Stupid, stupid woods girl! When will youstop living your life for others proof and learn how to make yourself smileinwardly again. You know how to smile for others so convincinly. Go home, lookin the mirrorr and start liking every part of you. Love is a matter of beingequal, but when i look at your sex life I only see desperate obsessions. Shefelt a flush of energy going bottom to top, a mix of embaresement and withholding from focusing too much graphicallyon what he said as she might get all sexual in the head, and that wasnt good nextto somebody that could read her ear itch before she could scratch it. Yeah, Ireally don’t know how I could scramble up love and sex so much, she said, maybeit’s all the bad television i’ve seen. He started telling her about how whenyou fear nothing you fear everything and two short stories to help undestandfear better, but she started drifting. He began to use a language that seemedless and less accessible. Maybe he was getting tired or she was?

I do hope to see you again sometime, she said. I’ll writeyou. „Just remember that even if the road leads through a narrow shady path, itdoesn’t mean it doesn’t lead somewhere right, he said. Use your ability toenjoy the small things to get through your doubts”. She thanked with her heart.Going down the stairs there was a blank in her head. She stoped outside infront of a bush as if wanting to take a deep breath and leave space for theother people to pass. Then it happened: she started laughing out loud, justlike that, without trying to withhold it.” Walk to Egypt barefoot ,withoutknowing why”, you jerk!

Being a baker

2011-11-11T11:46:00.001-08:00

So i get in already close to midnight and i’m lead to myroom. Ugly looking place smelling like somebody else but me. I start movingpieces of furniture around, cleaning although i have to be up by 3.30 cause theday of a baker starts at 4, not 6 as told initially. The work is crazy so manytypes of breads and special ways to prepare them, so many things to lift andmove around, sculpting my pretty wabbely muscle structure. Overall living in rhythm with the nature is tuff shit man.

There are moments of silence, when thesun comes up and you hang out eating breakfast with a bread that melts in your month and you don’t need a toaster cause it’s warm naturally. Initially ithought though i wouldn't be able to make it more than one month, now i’mstarting to think that maybe i was made to be a baker. And if i don’t have alot of knowledge about real education and how people grow, i at least have tolearn these 6 month how bread and cereals grow. I’ll just let it come towardsme. But it’s still so hard to keep a fine line between accepting what comes andsetting limits without being too pretentious.By staying here i might learn howto stop wanting more and be able to make the best even out of precariousconditions.

Things you learn here are pretty crazy: measuring thingswith a scale initially develops an ability to know by just looking atsomething how much it weighs. Also things that are just so connected to reallife like: when carrying a heavy plank if i pick it up in the middle it is somuch easier to carry. I guess like in life. I don’t know why i thought i needto make life hard for myself so i deserve it more, i think it’s pretty roughalready.

Then when measuring water in a container, it always it createsthese small waves and you can never measure it when it’s agitated. It made methink of when i’m angry, how i was a couple of night ago with my parents, thati guess that wasn’t the full me. Or it made me think how i’m judging somepeople without knowing them when their water isstill.

Overall i’m learning to to be more within myself while doingthings of the outside world, but also when it comes to this blog i think i’mkeeping myself to tight with it. This last two weeks i’ve had so may attemps towrite but i’ve discovered how linear my writing is. It’s like the voice in myhead, always like a report on TV, i wanna work on just varying my inner dialogue. So i wanna challange myself to try different writing styles. So don’t besuprized if some crazy shit starts appearing on it from now. It’s gonna becalled experimental bakery blogging . Sounds appetising no?

Peeling layers of myself

2011-10-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

So on the last day of the week i wanna save my ass by writing a bit. I've been postponing it again, but this time having a friend tell me to write again has meant so much... cause when you are in a foreign land, with no phone, watch or time and even with the family you end up feeling like an alien, things start being pretty weird.

I found a job now that i will be attending in Darmstadt, next to Frankfurt, as an assistant baker. It's a job i've always wanted to have, and in Germany with such a great variety of baked goods i bet it will be a challenge. I guess i'll try it out, because being next to my sis and bringing up old family models when everything around me is so shaky already makes me even shakier.

I want to become a robot have a shedule from 6 to 12 and then not be accountable with anything else to anyone. Sound like i'm getting in my teenage years again. I might apparently have an ODD (obedience deficit disorder) as i donno where this urge to have absolute freedom and not be accountable with my life to anyone else, comes from.

Sometime i think that this miswireding has altered my best relationships and sometimes i think it is because of the people around me that i got here in the first place. Deep inside i feel like because of what people thought i should do, of should be, i've ended up this miserable way trying to fake it. So now something inside me says that i need to get rid of everything else so that i can get back to myself. Maybe it's impossible or maybe there are other easier ways, i just don't know anything else that could work for a radical like me.

The horse within

2011-10-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

So i'm in Germany. And it is pretty fucking different. I've had like 10 different attempts to write on this blog but for some reason i feel like i always need to dedicate so much time to it, like not writing any crap. Before visiting my sister i've ended up in some small village in Hessen,by a beautiful lake, a man who drives people on coaches and a busy restaurant i've worked for a week.

It reminded me of everything i feel like running away from home for: being depended on somebody else for housing and food made me getting into my old parenting models, working my ass of in a small restaurant where silverware needs to be polished extensively while food is handled with the hand and served multiple times to different customers, made me feel like i'm in Romania all over again.

So thankfully i'm in Bremen now and I've witnessed a miracle, the birth of my niece. Is that how you spell it? And this small being made me question whether there is anything more important in this life than children? I guess it matters for us to be balanced as well when we raise them. Just being in a place with all babies is fascinating. One lady mentioned going home with the new born and along with the old child and the husband all having a slumber party in bed under the covers. I guess i want one too...someday...

It's pretty fucking difficult here mostly cause Germans are such a paradox: loving nature and also being such control freaks. The cultural shock is not to be underestimated. I've stormed out of a store after seeing a woman buying oranges with the label "controlled harvest". But I'm working on handling my aggression better.

One thing I've been told by one beautiful lady here is: when I ride on my old horse through the forrest and he hears a scary sound, his first impulse as a flight animal is to run, yet he is old and wise and he just stops and waits for things to unfold. I guess I'm in my waiting period to, cause it seems like running hasn't really been working for me in the last 27 years...

I'll get my next internet in about a week so I do hope to be more consistent with this new writing habit!

Catharsis

2011-09-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

Last post in April 09. Wow. Felt the urge to delete this blog entirely and to start a new one in my mother tongue, like a going back to the roots of a new me. Even if i wanna run away from this old pieces of me i will not be able to, so integrating them into the blog seemed like the wisest thing for now. 27 is apparently the time to get hit in the head with wisdom and when the first signs of maturity come along. For me it has proved to be this way as i have certainly been given some really powerful life lessons. I feel like i do need to share them, cleanse myself through posting them out into the open.

I think the reason this blog hasn't been working in the past is because i used to have it for others than for myself. Checking comments and followers made me loose the joy i had with it, regardless of who read it or not. So now i'm writing the things for myself first and for others second, with the goal of just putting myself out there, being vulnerable and growing from it. Of course that any real comments or thoughts will bring me an even greater added value. My intentions and expectations are just reset.

Observations on language

2009-04-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

Why is I written in capital letters in English? Why are all substantives in German capitelized too?
No English masculin, neutral nor feminine?!

The SUN is neutralized in English , feminine in German and masculine in Romanian.

Why does harca really sound like you would spit something out of your throat.

Why does "cuminte" mean with the mind?

What is a new word that gets into the dictionary, a inexistent one or one that hasn't been experienced yet?

So why do we act like language is all there is?

Free Hups participation

2008-12-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

Maybe the most energy-filling activities done in a long time. It's amazing to see old people's face light up like a match. All of us doing it decided we will do this again for fun and just so to feel useful next time.
Watch the video about us doing the free hugs action.

The circumstances of power create evil

2008-09-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote the POWER post in the morning and accidentally stumbled over this fabulous TED talk later and found that it was a perfect continuation of my stream of thought.

So in the end evil or good are both potentialities triggered by our mindset.

Man, how come it always comes down to that?

Power

2008-09-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

This great animation has been food for thought for a couple of months now. It all started with me thinking about my boss and how I could see the good person behind that corporate facade, yet I could also see that side of hers fading away.

I believe that power and dominating the others is a great theme of our existence. It has sources from our childhood where others treat us like worthless, brainless individuals, creating the desire to become "adults" and "mature" just like them.

In todays world I observed how people have through their jobs the one power instance where they can manifest their gathered up clusters of frustrations. So I really came to understand when people behind a clerk desk talk rudely to me, or bus drivers take off without considering taking me with-

it is the only way they can express their power and build up evil that everybody else reverses on them too in one way or another.

In AIESEC I learned that the real power is having none at all, and is putting the Others first.

So thank you for maybe the biggest lesson one can learn in life!

Updates on my life

2008-09-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post...in June...and crazy things have happened since then.
I had an awesome summer hitch-hiking with Zach through Moldova and the Monasteries,going to Leipzig to the European Conference 4 Democratic Education, hiking up the Moldoveanu, and going to the Danube Delta and the seaside with my sister, her boyfriend and Zach.

I'm kinda sad the summer has ended...the winters sorta get me down, but until then I'm looking forward to the autumn, making zacusca and pickels for the winter with Zach, moving into our new apartment and just enjoying this crazy little thing called love.

I've been wanting to write again so many posts, yet just a few materialize. I guess that is just how life is. I wanted to write how my boss Veronika read my blog, and the things I wrote about her, and how good it felt to talk to her and honestly telling her how she makes me feel in this company, not in a defensive but constructive way.

But in the end I choose to write this post about my experience at the Democratic Education Conference. I honestly am proud for going first of all, as I went there on my own...just pursuing what I feel is important for me.

All in all it as an amazing experience...we have slept in classrooms on the floor:

we have had shifts with the kitchen work, and implicitly bounded through that:

I also got to just enjoy Germany and have a holiday inside my learning experience:

I also got to get some new valuable learning, aha's and things to digest back home:

And in a very surprising way I got to learn something about myself that I never would have thought before. In the first night there I met Jo ( the guy in the picture near the lake ), we were talking about our hitch-hiking experiences throughout different countries, when he started telling me about his living community, an alternative way to escape capitalism and to lives living community, they had a lot of nature surrounding them, and savings were made where possible: wood for the winter warmth was supplied by a construction company and every week a backer would give them the left over bread. The one thing that made me say I wanna live in such a community was the talk with the children there, that loved the freedom and the spirit surrounded generated by this way of living. After all I do believe in the saying: It takes a village to raise a child, as sometimes making it being surrounded just by people of the same age can be dangerous, as there are things to learned from all walks of life.

Coming back I am glad to have been there, to have gotten new insight about my life and also to have met the beautiful people I did meet:

My favorite TED talk

2008-06-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

I think I remember a post on Roberts blog on this ballerina turning from left to right and depending of the rotation movement you would predominantly activate your left/right side of the brain. I recall that I had stared at it so much that I could literally make her change the direction after performing just a 45 degrees angle. It felt like sending a ball from one side of the room to the other, inside my brain.

This TED talk is about the functions each part of the brain performs and how both are so vital to our survival. The thing I love about this post is that it made me really understand myself better as I think I am predominatly right sided. It also made me accept myself better as somehow society comes to appreciate people with predominanty left side brain activity.

One thing that I now understand is that this feature of my construction is that thing that makes me creative, empathic and considerate to peoples feelings and it also makes me always want to live just for the present moment.

The seven day weekend

2008-06-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

It makes me think how far could we strech the idea of a seven day weekend work democracy upon implementing it in schools. It sounds just amazing to me.

My last 7 months of existence

2008-06-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really sure if I would get the entering my blogaccount procedure since it's been a while from my last post :P. It's funny how I have been thinking about writing on the blog every week at least...and than this procrastination makes it looks like such a big f*in thing, that you think it would take at least 2 days to write that post that summs up everything you wanted to say for the last 7 months.

So this post is an experiment to proove to my unconscious wrong-saying I will do it in less than 45 minutes.

So let's all go back to December in Hash's life...one of the coolest things happening was the family trip to Germany at my sisters place. I realized here that you can have AIESEC no matter where: in your group of friends, and even inside your family...so how hilariously funny is the fact that we had an expectation meeting, a training on constructive feedback, an evaluation of each day and a sugarcube session at the end. Here are some pics so you know I'm not bullshitting you:

Our wishes/expecations:

Us trying to become one with the painting on the wall, team-building activity:

Gathering new learning experiences for us all: the Sex Shop

Sugartime:

Ok, coming back to the happenings in the Hash surrealist comedy, in January I went for the Alumni and Partners Night in AIESEC. Pretty hard to explain my mix of feelings. I knew all the people there, I felt nostalgic, enthusiastic to see old friends and get updated with their life, unsure what they would think of my unemployment period. But then I thought that I don't want to work for a big coorporation ever, and that AIESEC people are smarter than judging a person but what they do, or even better assuming people's happiness is connnected to their job. So i just got laid back again and tried to be as much of myself as possible:

Back at home, there was the financial pressure of finding a source of income. So in the end, after some failed interviews from their point and mine as well- I realized I would rather work at the ice-cream stand on the main street 4 hours a day and still having time to do the things I like rather than making a prostitute out of my time and selling it all for money.

So here comes the funny part: I decide to give German lessons so I pick up on the newspaper adds, meet up with this lady, she asks when we could have them, and I reply a bit unsure maybe after 17, I guess because I'm still looking for a job. What do you think her answer was?

"Well, I could employ you if you would want to."

So I am currently employed for a company named Berghill Investment, that does several things amongst right now: opening a new extreme sports travel agency in Bucharest, but also operating a specific sport called heliski in the Fagars Mountains-where a helicopter brings the skiers on top of the wild mountain slopes.

I currently am in charge of expanding the Heliski business, so I'm doing everything from marketing, to sales and human resources. I know that this job has appeared into my life for a reason...mostly because I do feel like I can gather huge chucks of information in the marketing and sales fields. And most of all it has made me realize that for my educational social entrepreneurship projects I need to really understand the business world and it's functioning.

The person I learn most from is my boss...Veronika, she is something of me if I wouldn't have entered AIESEC: obsessed about work, lying to herself,31, single with few friends, hating everything around her.

So now to one of the most radical changes in my life this year: the person next to me. I made it a resolution for this year not to hesitate into making the changes that are needed even if they hurt. The 2year relationship with Robert ended with both of us still being loyal friends to each other. Funny is I wasn't really looking for another relationship and I felt like unplugging myself from this complex of circuits filled with a giganting range of feelings- called relationship.

Zachary is a Peace Corps volunteer in Sibiu, he teaches at a sort of "ghetto" school in Sibiu.
There is so much to tell about our relationship that I could write a book about it...yet still the only thing I want to convey here is that I feel we have reached that point of maturity where we can show each other unconditional love without being afraid of getting hurt. No mind games, no jealousy games, no more huring the other because you feel hurt. We talk about it, and it f*king helps.., it really isn't just a cliche of an affirmation.

(some of you might have noticed that along with the brithening of my day influence, Zach has also enriched my vocabulary with a variety of curse words and words to say when you feel like saying nothing really :D)

Just to get an idea about the 2 of us, we have both curly hair and he is a bit taller than I am, 99,99 % of the people we met said we look like brother and sister... and when I say 99,99 I mean even my own parents. I guess my sister was the only one not to notice the similarity, which is kinda funny in itself.

Briefly to the current status in my life: I am still coordinating the Dreams and Teams, British Council gang...and sometime teenagers can get you up the wall with their stubborness, but then again, they challange me a lot...and I need it cause my job is lately pretty laid back. My boss has moved to Bucharest and I will be working this summer on my own, mostly from at home. Man, i'm really starting to like this pseudo-entrepreneurial job.

I bought myself plane tickets for the European Democratic Education Conference and I will spend 2 weeks in Germany just thinking about future plans and work on building myself a network in this field. Zach and me want to visit Poland and go to the Bulgarian seaside this summer, we also plan a whole Romanian road trip.

All in all my life couldn't be more different that it was one year ago...I feel emotionally balanced, and I feel like I am heading in the right direction just that somehow I can only get forward through small baby steps. But there is a life lesson in this, few things you do and see their result right away, so perseverance, patience and confidence build up my new language for interpreting the world.

P.S This post didn't really take 45 minute to write but one hour and a half. But I did it. I broke the ice, so now I can start blogging again.

Oh my God, I can't believe that I stumbled over Montessori

2007-12-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

So this woman,Maria Montessori, that lived 100 years ago formulated an educational vision that still finds 100% accuracy today :

-self-paced and self-interested learning, encouraging love for life-long learning, and inquiry with no extrinsic motivation needed (grades, recognition or rewards) and only self-competition being enhanced

-interconnected curricula (history to arts, to geography, to cultural studies and so on)

-experiential learning

-encouraging cooperativity & compassion through a mix of differently aged children learning together (teachers have little to do, as children explain most of the things to younger ones)

-respect for the uniqueness of the child, that contributes to it's independency and self-confidence (mistakes are not punished but seen as a part of the trail and error learning process)

-spirtiual development through arts and through a caring-, familylike learning environment.

I think I have just found a new personal hero :)

Music and Life...

2007-12-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

I'm speechless of how much i identify with the message. But no more.

I'm a sun person..so this is the invention of the millenium

2007-12-09T03:45:00.000-08:00

I am nobody, I know nothing

2007-12-04T03:28:00.000-08:00

How many people can say that about themselves? I certainly couldn't some time ago, and I still can't live if fully.
Looking back at my AIESEC time I realize I wanted to be somebody that knew something. I wanted to be recognized, to be admired for the uniqueness of who I am.

Since than, I have given it a lot of thought, and realized the harm of this mindset. It places a gap between you and the others and it is seldom that you can learn anything from the people around you.

I came to realize that this need for self-actualization is wrongly understood as praise and reconition, when in fact it doesn't have to do nothing with the external you.

One thing I was glad last week when co-facilitating and co-chairing a conference at a student NGO,was that I couldn't find this need for status and recognition inside myself. All I genuinely wanted was for the participants to have a meaningful learning experience, and this alone would give me the satisfaction of my work.

Oh, this EGO, how more fullfilled we all would be if it weren't for it.

Play and feed a hungry person !

2007-11-14T07:18:00.001-08:00

For each word you get right 10 grains of rice will be donated through the United Nations to help end world hunger !
You get a growth in your vocabulary and people stop dying of hunger.

What a great idea, cause also the words shaping our worldview create some of the problems leading 2 hunger.

Who's u're favorite? Is it Gloria Gayner featuring Jesus, or J.W. Bush along of Tony Blair?

2007-11-09T04:16:00.000-08:00

my life's Quest

2007-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've done the "teatcher" project. Was quite easy. I have a much better kharma now :) Did u know that kharma actually means action? Cause in buddhism terms u can never dissociate the action one does and it's effect. Fascinating.

The challange for today was to go to my first Yoga class. Turned out pretty ok.

I want share one STORY of mine that I've been putting piece by piece only recently. It dates back in my childhood times, when I was about 6 or 7 years old and me and my parents used to spend our summer vacations at my grandparents countryhouse in a village in Bacau, called Agas.

The summers there have been the most amazing times in my life. I would do all sorts of wild stuff: walk through deep forrests.. gather mushrooms.. gather wild bitter cherries and get all stained by them..watch out for my grandmother's cows..would have picknics and huge camp fires with my friends from the village..I would bath in the near lying Trotus river.. play for a whole day in my house up in the tree.. I would feed the animals and build shelters for the swallows ...and I would go with my entire family to gather the hay.

The story I want to tell happens on an extremly hot, summer day, where u feel the air is hardly breathable. On this morning of the hay gathering the entire family would start early, just like in Morometii. Once we got there everybody knew what they had to do. Each one would get his tools: mostly women would get rakes (greble) and men would get pitchforks. Once started working nobody would end until lunchtime.

So there was I, trying to fit in, to be a small wheel that turns this mechanism as well- wanting to be of help. My responsability seemed at that point pretty dull: taking care o the water supply. What I liked about it was that in order to fill the empty waterbottles I had to go deep into the nearby forrest, therfore leave the sunny field and enjoy the cool shadow of the trees. At the spring I would rest and gather my strenght, cause the hard part was just come: carrying the huge bottles back to the field.

So here it comes, the moment I rembember clear as day: going back to the field and going from one person to the other in order to still their thurst from the oven-like heat.

That feeling of MEANING it gave me, seing their eyes SMILING , turned out to be my life's quest. I believe that a meaningful EDUCATION is the vital water people need in order not to feel this inner thurst. 'Cause we ar living in a time of drought and overwhealming inner emptiness.

...i'm no island

2007-11-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

I know I have to break the ice, because otherwise I'm not gonna write no more in this blog for a while.

The period in my life right now, how would I characterize it?

Bit melancolic, doing small steps, reading a lot, planning for my future, mind-mapping how I imagine an ideal education system working, finding out about myself, meditating, and trying to find a way of co-existing with my parents.

What do I miss in my life? Obviously: the new- that books cannot give me, the action and the friends.

"No man is an island entire of itself." said J. Donne

I feel the serenity inside me, and I know for sure that things are moving in the direction I want them to, but I am just to afraid of me not getting myself drawn into the muddy swamp called routine.

Ok, so here it goes. One challange every day. Tell u how it works out.

My challange for tommorrow?...

Ahh, sending my favorite high-school teatcher an anonimous thank u letter. Pretty easy I know,cause he lives 1 street away but I'm thinking of also burning some interesting documentaries on a DVD. That should do it as a starters challange.

Oh, and in case I don't see U: good day, good morning and goodnight. :)

The cliff.

2007-10-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

"I listen to the silence in me.
Somewhere far, a murmuring cry can be heard- hidden in dark the cornerns of my soul.
I see our years like colours on a painting, being washed away.
These passed years and the years that will cease to come from now on,
Make my wheaping soul want to run into your arms.
I stop. I think. I freeze.
One step away, is the cliff.
What a steep valley there is, between my feelings and my reason.
And yet how come, that at times I can barely make them apart?"

A new team

2007-10-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today Im packing for a new conference in Bucharest. It's funny how muched I missed conferences but this time it's not with AIESEC but with the British Council project called Dreams and Teams, young leaders development.

I'm more than enthusiastic about being accepted as a tutor here and coaching a team of young adolecents while they are working in discovering themselves and the world around them.

At the end of the project the British Council encourages the teams to start an NGO's in this direction, so here it is: one of my 15 year goals might actually come true sooner than I thought. About the goals I will reffer to them in another post :) as they need some further explainations.

The project is everything I ever wanted to happen in my life right now: working with adolecents, building an NGO, education, and more than ever: a chance to apply everything I've learnd during my VP term.

Girlz, through you I found out what leadership is all about, and I want to thank you:

IRINA, thank you for being honest and for teaching me how to really pursuite my goals.

OANA, you precious teammate, I want to thank you for your devotion and your positivism.

DIANA, thanks for the challanger spirit in you, and for recognizing also the change process I have constantly gone through.

ALINUTZA, I thank you for your humour but also for the down to earth approach you brought when I got overenthusiastic about things :P

Through YOU and through the many things you have taught me I am going to be able to provide for these adolescents a huge learning experience.

This is a commitment.

Sha lala la la.

The child in me.

2007-10-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

I was walking through a store today and I accidentaly stumbelled over my favorite book as a child. I believe I was 10 when I first discovered Pippi Langstrumpf. Actually her name is more like that of the Dalai Lama, extremly long: Pippilotta Viktualia Rollgardina Pfefferminza Efraimstochter Langstrumpf.

I fell in love with her from the beginning: playfull, curious to understand things around her, mokking the adults and their weird world and strong (she could lift her pet horse with just one arm high up in the air).

Everything about Pippi is fascinating: she lives alone, with no parents at the age of 9 in an enormos villa, with all sorts of hidden rooms and things to play with, she gets to wear to most colourfull and bizzare clothes and her main goal in life is adventure.

To her, everything that is unknown is an adventure to live.

So, I find it extremly facinating, that once opening that book in the library, I had this familiar though long forgotten feeling in my stomach of explosive anxiety, knowing that with every chapter a new adventure would start- while hiding under my blanket and reading with the help of my flashlight.

Death

2007-10-09T03:44:00.000-07:00

It's just crazy how the thought of death has been stirring my mind for the last one week and a half.

It all started with me and my mom wanting to buy something out of a store, when we saw a joung boy at his tweenties taking a chlor bleeching bootle out of a shelf, drinking half of it and falling on the ground in a spasmotic transe. I just can't forget the fixed look he had while laying there.

Two days later, my grandmother died and my entire familiy prepares for leaving to Bacau.

So I find myself surrounded by a sea of orthodox rituals (some of which just leave me with a smurk on my face because of their absurdity) and a sea of unknown people.

Firstly I appologize to my grandma for all the wrongs I might have done and I forgive hers towards me. It is how I tried to make peace with the thought of never seeing her again.

But then one question after the other arises: How can I stop being afraid of death? How can I live a meaningfull life? How would I want to be burried? What do I want to leave behind?

So the answer I came up with after these days of searching is that:

I daily wish 4 myself to feel happy and fullfilled with my actions, which furtheron have a positive reflection in my surrownding world. This is to be my legacy.

A peculiar Romanian saying...

2007-09-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

I accidentally overheard sombody on the streed telling a story of how he was trying to help one friend out and how in the end it turened out really bad for himself. So he finished saying something like:

You know what they say: Doing good, is like your mother getting tricked (actually the proverb uses the word fucked! Really.)

So for one second I couldn't even realize the meaning behind it ?!

But then it makes you wonder, if sayings are just essentialized wisdom and if they reflect the beliefs of a particular country or more. What do Romanians thing of "doing good"?

It's really amazing when a nation can turn against the regular "doing good, attracts good" and believe the total opposite.

Hey, maybe we also believe that running after two rabbits is the best premises of catching both of them :D

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." H.S. Truman

2007-09-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

"We live in a world where the prevailing belief is in scarcity. We don’t believe we have enough time, enough energy, enough love, and we are all pretty certain we don’t have enough money.

Those beliefs drive us to over-consume, over-spend, over-eat, always thinking we still need more.

In the practice of sufficiency, we experience wealth in the action of sharing, giving, allocating, distributing and nourishing the projects, people and purpose that we believe in and care about with the resources that flow to us and through us.

Accumulation in moderation -- saving money and buying things we need -- is part of responsible approach to personal finances. But when "holdings" hold us back from using money in meaningful ways, then money becomes an end in itself and an obstacle to well being.

Money is only useful when it is moving and flowing, contributed and shared, directed and invested in that which is life affirming."

The Soul of Money-Lyanne Twist

Friends and Sibiu, what more can u wish from life?

2007-09-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today ROBERT, ARY, and VLAD are coming to Sibiu. I've planned a lot of stuff for us to do and to enjoy.
I already see it happening: a lot of laughter, cooking together, doing crazy stuff...but most of all just being ourselves and feeling relaxed. Isn't life just beautiful?

Do you find learning difficult? Sorry to tell u this bro', but u're a victim.

2007-09-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

This guy here, Tony Buzan, sais that creativity is absolutely essential in the educational process of all human beings, and that we are now facing a global crisis (that's just going to get from bad to worse) due to the fact that we are squandering the actual BRILLIANCE of all the children.

So here's the thing: if you don't consider yourself a creative person you'd better start thinking up solutions to becoming one.
Why ? Just because 60% of all the jobs in the next 10 years will be based on creative thinking. The gap between humans and machines is definetly narrowing in terms of job performance.

The entire Tony Buzan speech here:

See the way. See connections. See others. See within. Leadership

2007-09-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

I was surfing on the net when I found this video. I think it attracted me, mostly because it started with one of my favourite quotes. It's funny how it seems to sum up exactly everything I got to experience in AIESEC as being true leadership.

This could be a video I would have made.

Ubire. UB2. All I need.

2007-09-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

True love is:

Saving pictures in wide screen format, even if you have a flat screen laptop.

The feeling of fullfillment you have in the morning waking up next to him.

Wearing his pijamas when he is away so to feel him near.

Kissing him and feeling energized like after a morning low warm shower.

Eating Milchschnitte even though you are afraid you might start out your allergy.

Well, I believe true love is like breathing, it's ALL I need.

Who moved my cheese?

2007-09-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

This was the movie of my first NPS...and I completly fell in love with it? I even rember the debriefing afterwards, when as a newie, I stood up in front of all the 300 people there, and I said I believe that we are all the characters in the movie to some extent, it really comes down to what prevails in you.

Good times, good times :)

This is us simpsonized.

2007-09-11T03:48:00.000-07:00

This is us simpsonized. Pretty cool? Hah?!

The first lesson into learning Zen Buddhism.

2007-09-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Go with the movie first. The text under it, is just the content of it, if you feel like you need some clarifications.

The BRAIN recieves billions (that is with 12 zero's) of signals every minute and out of that we select a small portion and make a picture, which we project outside and consider it reality. That's our reality tunnel.

Everybody percieves things diferently. If you ask them what colour something is, some will say green and some will say blue.

So, WHO is the master that makes the grass green?

We actually are offering 10.000$ reward to anyone that can produce anything that can be called NORMAL at all respects, or even average.
The "normals" they all claim, that they've got something that they can demonstrate as normal!?

They can never produce it !!!
It's a mathematical abstraction, the average sum of all the "unnormality".

Try to find a normal dog, a normal human being, anormal Irishman, a normal Portugese, a normal American. You can't find them, there is no such thing. But everything turns out to be uniquely itself and uniquely perverted from the norm.

Well, it has to do with language as Nietzche pointed out. It's tiresome to say this leaf, that leaf, the next leaf, leaf nr.4, leaf nr. 5 so we say LEAFES. And sooner or later an asshole like Platon comes along and says that leafs really exist and they don't realize we created them. So the reality isn't the anthonym of the abnormal and the paranormal. The normal has been invented by a process of self-hypnoses, of creative imagination-of cruel generalisation.

Our reality tunnel is therefore the master that makes the grass green.

Every reality tunnel is reinforced by a particular vocabulary. People are entirely hypnothysed by the words they use, and they want everybody else to use the same words, too.

The world is full of people who are killing one another over who has the right reality tunnel.

As Nobre. D.Ali said : If you let other people define your reality fields, you're living in a place that is called HELL. That's until you start creating your own reality and you create a HEAVEN :) .

At the and of the valley of the decision there is always CHOICE. Reality is what you can get away with. If you can't get away with it, it ain't real.

The GOD within me.

2007-08-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

Looking at the beginnings of humankind, God used to be the figure through which people would explain things they couldn't explain otherwise.
Later, as science developed a lot of the myths around him, have been torn into pieces.

But my question is not: Is there a God but why do people have this obsessive and burning DESIRE of believing in something bigger than them?

Is it SAFETY?

FEAR of DEATH?

Is it because peoples lives gain MEANING through its existence? Why does a world without God look so frightening and dark.

Have we been raised up in a world where we can't UNLEARN God out of our own being? Can the meaning of "GOOD" not exist in a WORLD WITHOUT GOD?

"What on Earth is this feeling inside that makes me belive and why does it feel SO right?"

So here is the answer of Tom Honey, a religious and inquisitive person in the Church of England:

A purpose-driven life

2007-08-22T13:46:00.001-07:00

I have had some time to think about my life in the last couple of months and some things start to connect to others and so,to make more sense.

I think when you get to the point where you want to bring all your worldview into ONE point it's like tracing back to the Big Bang by gathering all the pieces of matter on the way.

It's hard to draw a line between what is you and what is not you, mostly because YOU are so many things-often even totaly contradictory things at once.

But doing this gives you more control over the person you want to be and you start not only REACTing to the external world around you but you also ACT upon it, willingly & consciously.

So here's the thing, knowing this you can have your own unique contribution, to leave a legacy so to say.

I believe Robin Sharma can sum this up perfectly:
http://www.robinsharma.com/podcasts/HowToLiveForever.mp3

Think Different

2007-05-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

Good Morning!

2007-05-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

I started thinking about this state of BEING there, inside the present moments of my life, after I had made a frightening realization about me.

Most of the time during the day, a hidden part of me slipt away and wondered into the state of what will be or what was. But when that new what WILL BE turned into present I kept projecting my thoughts into another point that became future. So I was never actually there, never enjoing the what IS, never actually being able to CREATE and APPRECIATE the my life's present flow.

Personal Leadership

2007-05-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about this concept of Personal Leadership for quite some time now...as it was related to the far than familiar concept of Leadership that I got to taste while being in AIESEC. So than the question was, how can you be the leader but also the follower, isnt't it at least wierd?

Somehow I recalled what leadership had come to mean for me during these last couple of years: Respect for the others around you, trust in them and support when they are facing challanging times, listening and appreciating.

You know what the scary part of this flow of thoughts is? I tried to project those attitudes on how I lead myself as a person.

I honestly am a horrible leader to Myself: I unintentionatly hear away sometimes when an inner voice has something to say, I disrespect my deepest needs sometimes, and I just don't trust me and my intuition as I should.

What kind of leader are You 4 yourself?